A cup of Java with a dash of complicated

I heard from someone that you're a coffee lover.
And so I thought, why not we enjoy it together?
I was happy, even looking forward to it.

But you second guessed me and asked me difficult questions like, "Why do you love coffee?" Or "Why do you want to drink coffee with me?" Or the hardest of them all, "After coffee, what next?"
I was dismayed and sad, because I don't really want to think of all the answers.

I just want a cuppa, remember?

And I just thought that having it with someone else would be nice.
We could talk about the weather,  share on how was our day, talk about the world and see whether we could come up with some solutions. Simple, beautiful, no strings attached.

But now, as I sit here in the familiar ambience of a coffee shop with a steaming cup in my hand I thought to myself, "Oh well. Enjoying this coffee alone is not the worse thing that can happen" while sneaking a glance at the door from time to time; searching for your smile.

Meneka kekaburan jawapan

Berlayar kapal si kayu jati,
Beriring terbang si burung camar,
Dihabiskan hari didalam hati,
Meneka-neka didalam samar.

Tidak diharap pada sang todak,
Berharga lagi sang tenggiri,
Ada yang kena, ada yang tidak,
Tikam jawapan tak jumpa cari.

Lautan luas pelbagai rona,
Sukar tandingi cantik birunya,
Jawapan takdir pelbagai warna,
Sediakah nanti lukis gambarnya?

~nur_aqli, 2015

Let go and let God.

In truth, 
I am bedazzled by your smile.
Every time I remember it, a pang of disbelief floods my heart: how on earth that your smile is more stunning than mine?

How can I not thought of it that way?  
It is arresting and honest with all kinds of beautiful.
Brightening my days and shining my nights.

Maybe it was meaningful because it was fleeting,
With me one moment and gone the next.

Maybe it was magical because it was futile,
Never to be mine unless with a strange twist of fate.

Maybe it was unreal because the memory polished,
Becoming much more dreamy with every remembrance.

This vision of the past,
heavy with hopes of a future,
Intricated with the complexity of this earthly life.

I was, am grateful for the heaviness of this longing.
A sneak peek of what it would be like to just step into heaven.

For I know that to be worthy of a second chance with you in the afterlife,
An absolute surrender to Allah swt is the only way.
While fighting for that chance,
I will brave anything and everything.

In the end we'll see: am I worthy to drown in your smile again?