Receding rain

Did you hear that?

The soft tapping on the roof.

It is the rain, softly assuring that the world has not ended yet.

Try,

Try peering out the curtains. It is not so dark outside anymore.

But,

If you don't want to look, that is fine. You could just be here with me.

I don't really know what to do, but we'll figure it out as we go.

This would be easy.

Because I have you,

And of course, you have me too.

What if in the end the answer is as simple as it is incomprehensible?

They shrugged at each other.

Fook composed himself. "O Deep Thought computer," he said, "the task we have designed you to perform is this. We want you to tell us...." he paused, "The Answer."

"The Answer?" said Deep Thought. "The Answer to what?"

"Life!" urged Fook.

"The Universe!" said Lunkwill.

"Everything!" they said in chorus.

Deep Thought paused for a moment's reflection.

"Tricky," he said finally.

"But can you do it?"

Again, a significant pause.

"Yes," said Deep Thought, "I can do it."

"There is an answer?" said Fook with breathless excitement.

"Yes," said Deep Thought. "Life, the Universe, and Everything. There is an answer. But, I'll have to think about it."

Ford glanced impatiently at his watch.

"How long?" he said.

"Seven and a half million years."

Lunkwill and Fook blinked at each other.

"Seven and a half million years!" they cried in chorus.

"Yes." said Deep Thought.

[Seven and a half million years later.... Fook and Lunkwill are long gone, but their ancestors continue what they started]

"We are the ones who will hear," said Phouchg, "the answer to the great question of Life....!"

"The Universe...!" said Loonquawl.

"And Everything...!"

"Shhh," said Loonquawl with a slight gesture. "I think Deep Thought is preparing to speak!"

There was a moment's expectant pause while panels slowly came to life on the front of the console. Lights flashed on and off experimentally and settled down into a businesslike pattern. A soft low hum came from the communication channel.

"Good Morning," said Deep Thought at last.

"Er..good morning, O Deep Thought" said Loonquawl nervously, "do you have...er, that is..."

"An Answer for you?" interrupted Deep Thought majestically. "Yes, I have."

The two men shivered with expectancy. Their waiting had not been in vain.

"There really is one?" breathed Phouchg.

"There really is one," confirmed Deep Thought.

"To Everything? To the great Question of Life, the Universe and everything?"

"Yes."

Both of the men had been trained for this moment, their lives had been a preparation for it, they had been selected at birth as those who would witness the answer, but even so they found themselves gasping and squirming like excited children.

"And you're ready to give it to us?" urged Loonsuawl.

"I am."

"Now?"

"Now," said Deep Thought.

They both licked their dry lips.

"Though I don't think," added Deep Thought. "that you're going to like it."

"Doesn't matter!" said Phouchg. "We must know it! Now!"

"Now?" inquired Deep Thought.

"Yes! Now..."

"All right," said the computer, and settled into silence again. The two men fidgeted. The tension was unbearable.

"You're really not going to like it," observed Deep Thought.

"Tell us!"

"All right," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question..."

"Yes..!"

"Of Life, the Universe and Everything..." said Deep Thought.

"Yes...!"

"Is..." said Deep Thought, and paused.

"Yes...!"

"Is..."

"Yes...!!!...?"

"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm."

— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Dare to rise and fly

If you are sad, do you look up or do you look down to lift your spirits up again?

Maybe the answer is the same with what you think of whether a glass is half full or half empty.

For me myself, it is not fixed. Sometimes all I see is a glass filled with something, not caring about the volume.

Well, something is better than nothing right?

Some people, especially the motivated and competitive ones would usually lift themselves up after looking up: see something not yet within their reach, striving to grab at it. Or seeing someone getting more than them, makes the drive to succeed stronger.

Another type of people would feel better when they see that the state they are in are not worse than others i.e looking down and that makes them thankful for what they have and sometimes it makes them strive harder too.

But there is another type I think: the ones that are oblivious of what other people around them have or don't have. These people have a benchmark that defined uniquely by them, a target made solely based on their priorities. Most of the time this target is to overcome self; to be better than thyself in the past. You yourself is the biggest critic. However, you also have to be your biggest fan or else what you end up doing is just clobbering yourself down and be your own worst enemy. Balance people, the keyword is balance!

But, the question that arises is what if what makes us down is out of our control? Maybe it is a person that is bugging you so much that it makes you want to tear your hair out or an unlucky chain of events that spiraled out of hand.

Maybe, just maybe it would be better for the preservation of our sanity that we retain some ability to pull ourselves up without requiring too much. Don't be too affected by the things revolving around us and at the same time not being too cold towards it either. The only thing we have control over is the way we react to things, how we conduct ourselves when faced with tough decisions, tough situations, tough people. The important thing is to keep moving, even at a snails pace. You would still be in front of those standing still, ever closer to your target.

So I think I'll leave you with something to think about:

Time is swift, it races by; Opportunities are born and die... Still you wait and will not try - A bird with wings who dares not rise and fly

~A. A. Milne

Monster in the mirror

the monster in the mirror. by =Pretty-As-A-Picture on deviantART

Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you

~Friedrich Nietzsche

When I came across this quotation before I didn't really understand it. However, recent unfolding of events made me think of this quote and understand it more than ever before.

I am now very very frustrated with someone. In my rebel against this person's conduct I think I have become a worse person. This person is truly uninspiring and I am sick of the attitude problem that seem to get worse everyday. Compound all this with the fact that this person is wayyy older than I am and I think that this person should have known better. As I view this person's life through my tainted vision, I don't see any bright future or even a glimmer of success because in my heart I think that this person would pass over all the opportunities to the wind and be left barren.

However, my rebel toward this person couldn't be done in face to face combat so I resorted to passive aggressiveness without realizing it. I started withdrawing my participation, delaying any response, procrastinate the execution of responsibilities tasked on me: basically developing a chronic attitude disorder of my own. I started slowly to become the things I hate. Angels can't win in the clash of monstrous creatures and so that was what I slowly turning into.

But like a jolt of electrocution I was stunned into realization this morning. It dawned on me that there is no use trying to change people when they are beyond that. It is not my responsibility to see this person through or support this person in their flimsy illusion. There is no use being rebellious of things that will not change. Change can only come from within and trying to force it would only make us be like the things we attempt to change.

What is in your power is yourself. If they do not want to be the person they should have been, there is no reason to follow in their path to nowhere. I have to fulfill what is required of me because what I become in the end is my own devising. Blame is lame.

So what I have to do now is make a major U-turn and reset my course. I'll do my part beautifully and those who won't can just get lost in their solitary universe. I vow to NEVER BE LIKE THAT PARTICULAR PERSON.

For whom the bell tolls? Time marches on

Enough talking about love and its equivalent. Time changes and what will be, will be.

Time is of the essence, for what is love but something to fill our time while we are here lounging around in this lonely world waiting for our time to go?

What is the point of anything in this world but for preparing us in the endless journey that beckons after the definite darkness of worldly death?

No one knows how much sand he has got left in his hourglass, what we do is just keep going. This whole life is not a punishment, it is not a test. Rather it is an opportunity to exercise our freedom of choice. What we do becomes what we are.

In the hospital just now, I saw many signs in the ward reminding the patients that it is still mandatory for a Muslim to pray even though he/she is sick. The ward even provide tayamum dust in bottles and water sprays for less able person to perform wudhu. Here and there you can see posters showing step by step the various ways that prayers can be performed: on a chair, on the bed and even when paralyzed. Even paralyzed people are called to prayer! There really isn't any excuse to escape solat.

However, the very presence of various reminders for solat makes it clear how many people see diseases or sickness as a ticket out of the responsibility put on the shoulders of Muslims. Or maybe some people see the ailments they suffer as an unfair card dealt to them in life's gamble. Or even as a punishment of some kind.

I don't know. To figure out the reason for something is beyond me. I can't say that someone got what they got because they're a bad person or otherwise. That is not fair because there is no way we can judge anything or anyone justly by being another person, a bystander. What goes on in the heart and mind sometimes don't translate well into actions. So don't. It's too complicated for our little minds. Leave the reasons behind and let it be.

Let us work on what we know. What we do know is that as death is as sure as life, then the preparations need to be done accordingly. It's like you know you're going to move to another country and may be deported there at any time and you're not even sure you're coming back. So you pack some clothes, service your car, sell your house, buy a property in that country, go to the money changer to get some local currency to live comfortably, notify loved ones what to do when one fine day you're not there anymore; ultimately tying up the loose ends in your current life so that you can start afresh in your new setting.

However, this particular trip is special as you're given up until the last minute to repent. No other holiday agencies give this kind of offer; you can choose until the eleventh hour whether you want to go to heaven or hell. Modern travel agents would want you to confirm beforehand but not this one ;) So, lying in your deathbed is like already arriving at the airport and waiting to check in your baggage. It sadden me to realize that sometimes we harbor the greatest resent toward God. We blame Him for everything, so we're like paying back to Him for giving you all the sh*t to live with all this while by holding out our repentance. Stubborn as a mule, they say.

What if, while we are drowning in our bitterness we are summoned to Him and all hope is gone?

As you refuse to set your destination, it is set for you. And you're set to be there for all eternity. There, it'll be pretty frustrating to know that we had it coming. All we hope for is for time to go back. But that will never happen. The last sand has dropped, and the hourglass is turned. This time, the sands will never stop.

Love is not high throughput

It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to

~Henry Rollins (American Rock Singer, Author, Actor and Poet, b.1961)

It is foolish to wear your heart on your sleeve, you know?

Especially now, when there are so many people with less than noble intentions. It is tiring to like/love someone now, because of the games that we have to endure to get the message across. Seriously, I think love should have a dedicated field of research as to find the solution for all the heart's problems. All the analysis involved: quantitatively and qualitatively like "does he/she like like me or just like me?" or "what it means when he/she says this/that?" or "when is the right time to call/sms?" or "what it means when he/she does this/that?" and even "what it means when they don't do this/that?". All of it has their own qualitative properties and quantitative degrees of significance; like what was talked about, or how many times a day something happens. It is all like doing research with too many variables and too many outside factors that causes the conclusion drawn from the observation to be not a final conclusion but rather an unproven hypothesis, an assumption.

The only sure determinant for love issues is time. Nothing is as conclusive.

And that is precisely what makes it so hard.

Empirical methods to solve abstract issues like love is not appropriate, cruel even. I know because I've been through it. I've had a person say that he's considering me to be with him, along with a couple more other girls. So in order to qualify for a chance to be with him, a set of seemingly random questions is asked and answered (I also can interview him, apparently) to search for compatibility between the individuals. I don't know about you guys but for me this method is definitely NOT for me. Especially after knowing that I've been chosen along with other girls. It is all well and good that we get to know about the other person but for me the process should be an honest give and take with only one person considered. Seriousness is only when your attention is focused on one person, hoping he/she will accept your love and then be together. Love is not a high throughput thing you know, you can't process 96 samples at one go like my trusty PCR thermal cycler. So after you're serious with that one person, then the process of knowing each other better can genuinely go on. If not, there can never be trust as the nagging questions at the back of my head would haunt my days and nights; questions like, "is he thinking of someone else? is he regretting that he chose me? am I not good enough?". Gile kan semua soalan tu. Macam mana la nak bahagia. Dia saja la yang bahagia sorang, tanpa sedar yang orang yang sepatutnya paling dekat dengannya terseksa. I am not keen in having a golden umbrella up in the heavens for me even before I get hitched. So in the end, goodbye is the only sane thing to do before you get sucked in the vortex of lost chances and unspoken words. Better to stop it at the beginning. However when I said goodbye, you know what he said? He just said, "Noted". Yes, just a stone cold one word reply. Maybe he'll just tick my name of his list of possible candidates. Better that way, I am far too human for a mechanical being like him.

So now I think I've widen my horizon a bit. No longer afraid to meet new people and to challenge myself with new surroundings. But the challenges of starting a new love is the same and sometimes it frustrates me a lot.

Maybe someday I'll meet someone that I want to annoy for the rest of my life and he wouldn't mind. I won't have any qualms in bugging him at any time of the day with my sometimes silly stories and he'll share his stories too, all because he loves me and I love him too. Poyo x? But it is what I want, I want to grow old with him and build a life together.

InsyaAllah :)

Elephant in the fridge

Can you fit an elephant into a fridge?

Definitely yes, if it's big enough.

But if it is so clearly not, then why are you so adamant in placing the elephant in there? Go, search for a zoo or something. Why are we even considering this in the first place?

Hmmpph :(

I can never stop wondering why we people like to insist in fitting enormous things into little containers.

Our mind is limited, but we talk as if it is boundless and judge others that differ from us as deviators from the true path.

Things are often bigger than who we are, bigger than all the world put together.

For me, leave the unanswerables to time. If you were meant to know, then eventually you'll know. I just mind my own step, hoping to God that I don't slip and fall down on my face to the mud.

.

.

.

On the "Allah" issue, I think that even if in the Quran here's nothing to bar non-muslims from using the term, maybe we should look at it using a local perspective. Mind you, I am just stating my views and there's nothing for any of you to shout about. Islam, after all, is easy and is always peaceful. So what is the most peaceful route?

Using a local setting, maybe the best way is to preserve the use of "Allah" to Muslims only as it would (I think it would, anyway) disturb the peace of the country.

I know other faiths use the term freely in their country, in their setting. But, try looking at the local scene? The same cannot be said here.

However, I actually do not agree to the stance that we should preserve the use of the term because we fear that people will confuse their God and become infidels.

I doubt people now are that flimsy. If they are, then we really do not need them in our faith because there is no force for anyone to stay or go out of Islam. Our strength is not in numbers, but by the solidness of our faith.

I only want to preserve the use because it would retain the peace.

So, please stop trying to fit the elephant into the fridge? It won't fit. Just try and think where to put the elephant into the proper place so that we can all go on with our lives.

*************************

I was just browsing through the endless articles on the web and it hits me that everyone has a perspective, everyone has a point that he wishes to make. All that is well: in the vast universe of the world wide web, anyone can claim a spot as his/her own and they can very well do as they please on that spot. Just as long that it doesn't trample on other's rights.

To do that, is an art you have to learn and will acquire through experiences.

Because I feel that there is no fixed rule to anything. No black or white. Only gradients of grey.

One course of action can be correct for a set of situations but would be totally stupid in another. A diamond can be hiding under slurries of mud and the devil can wear a smiley face.

Nothing is ever what it seems.

The point of anything

What we feel isn't important. It's utterly unimportant. The only question is what we do. If people like you don't learn from what happened to people like me, then what the hell is the point of anything?

~The Reader 2008

What is really the point of anything?

We live and see other people die and then we follow. There is no end to that cycle. The dead would be succeeded by the living.

Don't we ever learn from that cycle?

I don't know, but for me I think all of the problems plaguing the world or ourselves today are not new problems at all. It is always either caused by greed or impatience or foolishness or disillusionment or negligence or apathy or some other basic emotion ( I could go on with these basic state of humans but I think you get the message, eh?)

Someone, somewhere must have been through the exact same thing one time or another because of more or less the same reason. So after we leave from being one state of existence to another, why don't we ever learn from our surroundings, from other people's experiences and avoid the things that are proven time and again as wrong and futile?

We are supposed to be the only ones among the creatures of the earth to be able to learn so well and invent things so that we can destroy them at another time with another great invention. But why do we keep wasting our time going through the things that other people have known as mistakes?

I noticed the general nature of our problems because when I watch a movie or hear a song or read a book, I can identify with them. Why are we able to identify with the problems or situations of people so far apart from us that sometimes we don't even know how the sun looks like when it set at the other side of the world? It is because we are not that different. It is frustrating to see the same ol' problems/ situations treated as if it is so novel. C'mon, you're trying to tell me that in all of the 4.6 billion years (give or take 0.1 billion :P) since earth came to being, someone hasn't come across that before? Someone, somewhere, somehow would know how to fix it.

I am not talking about the problems that came about as technology and knowledge advances: I am saying that the root, the innermost cause of effect, what is left after the problem/situation is stripped of all its fancies and just laid bare for all to see is essentially the same across times, across continents.

Even ancient love stories, legends and the melodies seem so familiar. If we are different, all of those things would be foreign, and we'll seek to understand. But often there is no need for that, everything is universal. There are no races or color, there is only human. And that human hasn't changed much to be really considered as different.

See?

Life is not complicated, we are complicated. The solution is always so simple that it is easy to overlook it. The answer is so clear that sometimes we get suspicious and insist of looking for other options, we are thickheaded that way (yes, me included :p).

I think this is why the Quran is very universal and it is still relevant until today even though during the olden days there were never any comprehension about the effects of globalization. It is the word of God, our Creator. So definitely the Creator would know everything about the creation. However, as the solution is given to us, so simple a thing as just living in line with the true path, we tend to overlook it and not even consider it. It's like someone giving you a bag of gold coins: you can't believe your luck that you have to think that maybe the guy's lying and the gold must be fake or stolen from somebody. But what if it is really a real gift that would put you out of your sorry state?

People always insist they are different, that each of our problems are bigger than the world put together. However, what we feel is utterly unimportant when contrasted with the universe and the natural cycle of things.

Will we ever learn?

Solemn

Silence by ~donjuki on deviantART

Sometimes the things that play in my head are hard to put into words.
Speech is also not an option as it fails me more than written letters ever do.
.
.
.
So I sit in silence, in hope that by a miracle, mutual understanding is found and your truth is the same as my truth..whichever one is the better.

2009: One hand in my pocket and everything's fine ;)

Lyrics | Alanis Morissette lyrics - One Hand In My Pocket lyrics
I'm tired like a dead fish.
Hehe, nevertheless I'm happy because it's 2010, people! hahaha
I'm happy because I like a major change now and then. I like it when things start to feeling stagnant and stuffy, suddenly a big wave of change come and wash it all away and I have ample room to start all over again.
Like the Japanese in the novel Shogun by James Clavell: they build paper houses because the ground they live on is always catastrophically destroyed by earthquakes. So everytime it shakes and bring them to the ground, they always build their houses again with patience and a silent understanding, a new home have to be built after the old one has gone. It is just something that has to happen, so just embrace it ;)
Looking back at 2009, it certainly have its own flavor and it leaves a bittersweet aftertaste. Overall, the past year has been the most challenging in my career path and also financially. However, it's been a very good year for family related matters even if it stinks in my personal love life.
As far as personal development goes, I think I've grown as a person. For instance:
I'm more in control of my rebellious streak even though it put me in fire sometimes. Especially in lab meetings :p
I'm more cool headed and surprisingly decisive.I've just found this one out during HKWCJ 12:I've never had so many people shouting and screaming at me at the same time until their faces turn red and I can almost see smoke rising from their noses and ears. But it's part and parcel of being the Games committee, you know protests are inevitable. You just got to hold your ground, believe in yourself and make sure your team is in full support of you. That is of the essence and actually I couldn't believe we managed to pull through ;)
Tawakal is important. As Alanis quite aptly said:

What it all boils down to is that no one's really got it figured out just yet

I've had moments when I feel most alone in the world, the most poor, the most wrecked. But hey, I know it's always just a phase and those kind of things don't last. Things have a way of working out to be the best in the end.
Life ain't like the movies and it would not leave you hanging. All things will end, we just have to believe that the beginning of something else is coming right after that.
So, the most important thing to remember is to put a big smile on you face and say, Hello 2010! :)

Natrah: Lost soul?

Last Saturday I went to see the staging of Natrah at Istana Budaya with my sis, cousins+ their significant others ;).
The performance was alright, but we didn't get the best seats because the theater was packed to the brim and there were no other available tickets. However, I didn't mind much as I was interested with the story ;)

Setting aside the theater performance and script (which was for me OK laa), I find myself more fascinated about the underlying questions of the whole Natrah situation.
...before I go further, I want to state that I am no authority on this issue and whatever is written here are just thoughts generated by random networks in my brain. So don't go all defensive on me ok? :p

I don't know what I'd do if I'm in Natrah's shoes. I really can't kid myself that I'd be stronger in resisting the constant interference in my life and faith. Plus, she was only 13. Sometimes I think that her life is too controlled by outside forces that to the end her choices are often not her own....but that is only an outsider's observation, the truth in her heart will never be revealed to us.

I think that what happened to Natrah is not a tragedy to Islam. As someone I know once said, "if in her heart she is Islam, then she won't deviate". But if she is not, then we would have to pray that Allah in all His mercy would lighten the path for her to come back to Islam. Please know and remember that while we fought for her to remain Islam, the other side is also fighting for the exact same reason. So actually, it's fair game because each side believes that they are the divine right. To me, the real culprit is the Locke guy who tricked Che Aminah into coming to Singapore. What he did was mischievious but cunning.

I think the question whether or not Natrah should remain a Muslim should be entirely her own once she is of age. However, is coming of age alone is enough? I wonder...assuming that Natrah is so gullible to outside forces and unable to take a stand, can her judgment be taken as the ultimatum, as the defining parameter of what should be done? Giving or placing anything to the undeserving is the definition of zalim (cruelty) right? When is someone rendered unfit to make decisions?

Another thing, the story narrated in the performance is implying that the colonialist are unrespectful of the law and rules in Islam. But as my fully qualified lawyer sis said, Natrah is not a question of religion, but rather a question of the right to custody. The league they were fighting in is not religion, but the court of law. I am not saying that rules in Islam should abide by the civil laws but what authority Islam has in that particular setting? Islam does not have the power to impose its will on others because at that time even Malaya didn't practice Shariah laws. Here we are, screaming "bangsat penjajah" and other terms along the same line. Who'll care? This pointless anger to me is in total disharmony to the need to understand in Islam. Who would believe a raving fanatic with a shiny blade that threaten everyone to believe he's advocating peace? What the eyes see is the total opposite to what the ears hear and what the heart feel. We have to change this, somehow.

However, what I conclude for myself after watching the performance is that truth does not depend on how many wins or loses. If it does, then how wrong we all are because we keep losing eventhough our numbers exceed the small white bubbles formed by the waves as it crashed to the shore. We weakly disappear, as if we never were there before.

Almost doesn't count

*Warning! Post jiwang merepek! Keep out if you'll question my state of mind*

Today the air cond in the lab is not working and it's making my eyes heavy and threatening to close at any time. I really feel like a life-sized dumpling steamed in a giant steamer. If I am ever a dumpling, I want to be the pau-shaped plump yellow dumpling with little prawns in it. Ah, it's making me hungry already (Oh, let me be strong in going through this diet thing..huhuhu).

Last night me and my family stayed out late as relatives came by to our house to look at my sister's engagement preparations. Whole of yesterday and the day before we were all busy turning the house upside down to do spring cleaning. Award for the most dedicated person in cleaning goes to....drumroll....Lili! Yes, she is truly an Energizer bunny of cleaning, and it's hard to keep up with her ;)

After all the excitement calmed down in the wee hours of the morning, me and my aunt (but she is of the same age) lepak together and shared our stories. Naturally, given the setting, both of us reflected on our, erm, *cough* situation :p. I shared my weird story and she shared hers. Haha, btw, if u r reading this, thanks for last night, I needed to get that out of my chest :)

Then she posed a question: how do married couples know that they've found the ONE? She said that everyone she asked gave the same answer: if you found it, you just know.
Bah! I contest that, lansung x saintifik. That is indeed an abstract answer to a specific question. However, I know it's impossible to put in scientific terms something as irrational and magical as love.

But I wonder, is it possible to just know? How long is the probation period to get to know someone? And how, God help me, do we know that he is the ONE?
For the last question, it is common knowledge that not everybody's tale get a happy ending. So instead of the one, maybe there'll be a second or maybe even a third. So is there a possibility that the ONE does not exist, but only a false illusion that is akin to searching for the end of the rainbow?
Why not, instead of searching for the end of the rainbow you just enjoy the presence of the rainbow itself?
I believe that God is never cruel, He is The Just. So if things don't work out, maybe it's something you have to go through to prepare you for the more challenging days ahead. We will never know if that other person is meant for us only. What we can think about is whether that person is worth the fight? Is he worth the pain and cost to your soul? I don't know and it is puzzling to myself that I still hang around to see what happens. Well, they said that faith and hope are the most frail but hardest to kill of all emotions.
I don't know but think that we cannot keep on fighting or guessing what is the other person's attention. It is truly liberating to let go and trust that life in itself would flow as it is supposed to. It is exhausting to be on your guard always, always looking out your shoulder to exit at the first sign of rejection. When there is a desire to reach out, you fear that no one would be there. So you don't. Hey, two can play that game right? Even if in the game of love, someone threw away the instructions :P
It's a good thing that the heart is guarded, no one has touched it yet. You have to be sure first to bet a part of that on the line. Well, as they say, almost doesn't count.

Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

I can't keep on lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for

~Adapted from Almost doesn't count by Brandy

So what now? I think I know my limits and I wonder how I got here. It breaks my heart to know that I am that gullible and naive. I have more urgent things in my list that I have to care of: my family and my PhD.
But maybe I'll continue on this game, just to see what'll happen next. Plus, it is a situation that no one I asked ever come across. So it's a valuable lesson to pick up along the stony path of life. Maybe it is something that I have to go through and pray for the best. I've read somewhere that doa adalah penolak takdir.
So how to change your destiny when you don't really know what's best for you?
My friend, just pray to ask for what's in your heart. I tell you, there's someone listening and would give it to you in ways you wouldn't understand or even want to. If you are near, then rest assured He'll be nearer ;)

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future ~Oscar Wilde

Have you been to a store, and saw the shining apples?
It has the shade of the darkest red, plump and promise to be the most juicy, sweet and delicious apple you've tasted in all your years on this earth.
However, reaching into your pockets, you realize that you can never taste those apples as you don't have any money to pay for them, if you go on buying, there'll be hell to pay. As you contemplate whether it is worth it to buy those apples, you notice at the corner of your eye that someone else also noticed those apples. But unlike you, stuck in your hesitation, that someone just go and grab those apples and paid the necessary price to the fruit seller.
How your heart is crushed, wrenched by watching something slip by so easily. What's more, the apple buyer decides to rub it in by taking a bite in front of you. Oh, how you wish you can punch him.
As you stand there imagining various ways to get back at him for cutting in, a distant exclamation clawed through the haze of your discontentment, "Oh, those apples were not that sweet anyway" he said while leaving the store with a bag full of apples.
You just stare at him, disbelieving your own ears and your eyes follow him until he's out of sight.
.
.
.
I have a weird question. What if you're the apples?
Ha! Surely that never crossed your minds. You thought I wanted to talk about the slow decision maker that was left high and dry because he was too slow to take what he wanted?
Sorry, but I'm concerned more with them apples :p

OK, so once more: what if you're the apples?
Regaled as the most beautiful, the most sweet, the most revered. You are the embodiment of everything good, that you can do no wrong. That anyone who got your attention is surely a lucky fool.
But then, suddenly you slip. It turns out that you, the living sunshine, also have your own darkness too.
How frustrated your worshipers would feel. How wretchedly rejected you would feel.
But all along, you were just being an ordinary apple. It was not you yourself who put you on a pedestal.
Is it your fault?
You have tried your best, to be all that you can be. Always searching for ways to better yourself, to inch nearer to visions of perfection. Isn't that what all of us should do? None of us is born perfect, all are tainted. What we have to do is try to cleanse ourselves, striving to be better. So it shouldn't be that big a surprise that humans are no angels.
For me, I think the burden of being a beautiful apple is too much to bear. I'd rather be an ordinary banana (bad joke, I know :p). I am just an ordinary human, trying very hard to make something out of myself. So don't be so frustrated that I don't live up to your expectations. Living to mine is hard enough.
So let's just accept the reality of our imperfections and try to complement each other in living this life. Maybe we'll fare better in the end by being together ;)

* I'm writing this in response to an old friend that said to me, "Kau berselindung disebalik lurus". I feel like it's a serious accusation, as if I am hypocritical in leading my life. It is true that I search for space to better myself but I've never hid behind a facade. What you see is what you get. No more, no less.

Melawan adat memilih

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.
~Anais Nin

Selalu aku bertanya pada diri aku sendiri: kenapa kita selalu suka pada yang membuatkan kita sedih? Kita selalu, tanpa ada keinginan untuk berbuat demikian, meminta pada yang tidak dapat memberi. Betapa banyak hati yang hancur mendambakan cinta sekilas dari kekasih. Kenapa tak boleh berpaling begitu saja? Dia bukan untuk kau, walau betapa kau mendoakan dirinya.

Selalu mak pesan, kalau mencari teman, biar yang mencintai kita. Jangan kita saja yang mencintai dia. Ertikata lain, janganlah syok sendiri.

Susah nanti. Kita perempuan senang, kita dapat tahan dan suka dengan dia nanti. Yang penting dia sayang kita

Itu yang mak aku cakap dan aku percaya sepenuhnya. Walaupun aku rasa aku tidak dapat mengikutinya. Memang, aku tahu aku ni jujur tak bertempat.

Kadang- kadang aku rasa tidak adil yang perempuan saja yang ada rasa tanggungjawab itu, yang mempunyai kekuatan untuk hidup dengan seseorang yang tidak dicintai semata- mata demi masa depan yang lebih terjamin. Berkorban seluruh ketenangan hidup, untuk kesenangan hidup.

Berteka-teki hati orang memang perkara yang memberatkan hati dan memenatkan fikiran. Bagi aku senang, kalau tak suka buatlah seperti tak suka. Tak setuju, buatlah seperti tak setuju. Aku benci dengan teka teki sebab tekaan selalu salah, selalu tersasar. Macam inilah, kalau hendak berteka- teka mestilah perlu melihat pada tanda- tanda yang ditunjukkan. Tanda- tandanya pula terarah pula pada yang yang diharapkan, seperti janji dalam diam. Akhirnya nanti bila sampai waktu mengetahui hakikat, pasti tiada lansung persediaan untuk menghadapi jawapan yang lain dari yang diteka. Lepas tu hancur.

Untuk mengelak dari terjerat permainan itu, ramai yang memilih untuk bersama sesiapa sahaja yang ingin mencintainya tanpa perlu mengetahui adakah dia sendiri rasa perkara yang sama. Semua itu tak penting lagi. Cinta sudah menjadi perkara fantasi. Tutup rasa hati, pakai topeng realiti dan teruskan hidup. Perempuan senang, cinta atau tanggungjawab pasti akan menyelamatkan perhubungan itu nanti. Kalau degil mempercayai cinta, dikatakan naif dan terlalu memilih.

Tapi, kalau teruskan begini bolehkah wanita itu menjadi sayap kiri pada suami? Berada disisinya semata-mata kerana dikehendaki berada disana, bukan kerana mahu berada disana. Perlu dan mahu adalah dua perkara yang sangat berbeza.

Jadi, salahkah mahu sesuatu yang lebih dari biasa?

Fikirkan peranan am isteri:

• Mendidik dan menjaga anak
• Menjaga makan pakai suami
• Menguruskan rumahtangga
• Menyokong suami

Lihat pula peranan am suami:

• Mencari rezeki dan memberi nafkah
• Menjaga keluarga

Ada lagi? Tapi lelaki ini aku rasa tanggungjawabnya lebih pada yang luar dari keluarga sendiri seperti:

• Menjaga ibubapanya
• Menyelesaikan hal- hal ummah (kalaulah dapat re phrase jadi x poyo sangat ( -_-*) )

Ini aku tulis berdasarkan pendapat aku saja, bukan dari segi ilmiah.

Bila diperhatikan semua, tidak adilkah kalau si perempuan menginginkan sesuatu yang lebih? Bosan dan kehilangan erti hidup jika wujud untuk menjalankan kerja saja, semata-mata tanggungjawab. Tapi, kalau dibuatnya kerana cinta maka semua itu tanggungjawab itu tidak relevan lagi kerana semuanya dilakukan dengan ikhlas, kerana isteri mahu melakukannya, malah berusaha untuk yang terbaik.

Jadi, aku rasa tak salah menginginkan yang lebih dari yang biasa. Untuk para wanita, pilihlah calon suami yang benar-benar hebat. Yang benar-benar berbaloi segala kesusahan kita nanti. Pastilah kita tidak kisah memasak, membasuh, mengemas dan mengasuh anak jika suami kita itu seseorang yang benar- benar menghargai pergorbanan itu. Yang tahu menilai pilihan kita untuk terus bersamanya dari mengejar kehidupan yang pasti lebih hebat diluar sana. Biar dia seorang yang worth it.

Ini tidak, tandatangan surat nikah macam buat deal with the devil. Automatik si isteri teruk-teruk dibebani tanggungjawab tapi tidak pula untuk si suami. Kalau lelaki jika dah bujang terlajak, dipujuk dengan kata-kata "Nanti ada yang menjaga makan pakai. Senang kau nanti"

Mengada betul. Kalau perempuan pula mana ada dipujuk dengan kata- kata itu? Sebab dialah nanti yang buat semua. Sebenarnya tidak kisah, asalkan si suami pun menjalankan tanggungjawabnya. Seperti yang aku pernah baca: bersinergi untuk menghasilkan sesuatu yang hebat.

Untuk para lelaki pula, jadilah seorang yang hebat. Bezakan peranan yang dituntut syariat dan yang dituntut adat. Kalau sistem tak adil, kenapa degil hendak mengikut sistem? Tanggungjawab sama-sama berat malah si ibu pasti lebih berat, janganlah perasan sangat.


p/s: Kawan aku pernah membuat analisis yang aku ini queen control. Lawak. Memanglah, kalau mencari gadis ayu yang lengkap ilmu rumah tangga dan menurut saja dengan senyap dan sopan, aku katakan: salah orang.

I, witness

All this time the Guard was looking at her,
first through a telescope,
then through a microscope,
and then through an opera-glass.
At last he said, “You’re traveling the wrong way,”
and shut up the window …
~Lewis Carrol, The Looking Glass

After a long journey, she came to a curious window. Hoping to know where it lead to, she tried to get through. Fiddling here and there, pushing and shoving but it never gave way. She would still try, if not for the warning that it was futile.
Wasted effort.
But was it?
I grow up thinking that everything has reasons for happening, sometimes beyond our time and comprehension. But it is hard to always keep an open mind.

Have you ever felt you were standing in front of a glass window, looking in to your life?
Looking in, seeing the people playing their respective parts and see yourself too. There was never a need to say anything, just observing it all. What plays in your head, stays there. There is no one there for you to share anything with in the vast white room.

Surely it never crossed your mind that all the while you were looking in, there is someone else looking at you? Not just looking but rather examining.
You, the one hoping to be a distanced spectator to your own life could never be so. You, yourself have to be your own witness.

That way, could we ever run from shouldering the responsibilities of our existence?
Maybe, that is why some of the great people in history wants nothing more than be a bird or even dust. Sometimes the things we do in light of events are unjustifiable and to answer and explain our actions would be the most hard and daunting task of all.

Stupid endurance

Kurang Ajar

Sebuah perkataan yang paling ditakuti
Untuk bangsa kita yang pemalu.

Sekarang kata ini kuajarkan pada anakku;
Kau harus menjadi manusia kurang ajar
Untuk tidak mewarisi malu ayahmu.

Lihat petani-petani yang kurang ajar
Memiliki tanah dengan caranya
Sebelumnya mereka tak punya apa
Kerana ajaran malu dari bangsanya.

Suatu bangsa tidak menjadi besar
Tanpa memiliki sifat kurang ajar.

Usman Awang

Please, read about the Headscarf Martyr here.
There is not much hype surrounding this case. People just don't care anymore. It pales in comparison to everything else that happens in their little lives.
However, I am puzzled: if hijab is a form of oppression on women but the ones wearing it are not forced to do so, wouldn't fighting against it would be oppression of expressing one's religion?
Hmm...

Islamophobia is real.
There is even a concerted effort to keep it alive.
Looking around the world today, I am amazed at the extent of how we endure all the s**t that the world choose to throw to us whenever they like.

I'm thinking, is Islamophobia even infected by Muslim themselves that it pains and embarrass us to show our beliefs?
Our disease: Cinta dunia dan takut mati.

People,
If it is our right, fight for it.
If you think that it is yours, you got to take it and not just bow out defeated when it is not given to you.
If you put such low esteem of yourself, then be rest assured that the world won't raise your price.

Malu tak bertempat bukan malu, tapi bodoh.

God vs science: the silly debate that's not easy to win

one of us - Joan Osborne

It makes me sad listening to this song.
The singer seem so... alone.
It's like a girl walking with a black umbrella under the night rain, just looking down. Her steps are quick, but just by looking at her you know there's something weighing heavy in her heart. No one cares, and she knows it as a hard truth because even though she's trudging along, it ain't easy being alone. In her mind, she's trying to make sense of it all. Looking around, everyone just looked ordinary, everything is so mediocre, everywhere there's injustice: there are no miracles.
So she's wondering, where is God?

Sometimes it is hard for some people to find God. I think it shouldn't be that hard. All that we have to do is open our hearts and minds and not let ourselves be tied down by small thinking because something so big can't be fit into something so small. Truth is; we are too weak and recognizing this would make us less arrogant of our beliefs that Man is supreme. We refuse to believe that we are indeed just a minuscule being, like an insignificant dust in the universe.

Try reading these:
Language of ignorance
If God could talk, what would he say?

All these stemmed from the book entitled The Language of God by renowned scientist Francis Collins. He is now a devout Christian. In his book, he tries to convince readers that there is indeed God and observances of life supports this.
The premise of his arguments are there, but not carried out convincing enough that people saw through the loopholes. He is a great scientist, so it's no problem for him to defend his science. But what about theology? It's a whole different playing field.
People must only talk about what they know because dumbness shows in ways you cannot imagine. That's what I think anyway.
There is no doubt for me that there is a God. The evidence are too clear. There are too many coincidences that defy logic so that I can come to the conclusion that there is a God that presides over everything. However, consciousness is not easy to be articulated. When confronted, how can I defend my stand? Can you defend your stand, whatever it might be?
What is playing in my mind is what do we do when the time comes when Islam is faced with such crass rationality and blatant resistance to reasoning? We are cursed with secularism, a direct implication of our inability to relate science with religion. Yes, it is our inability. The association is too much for us to handle so, to make it easier to understand we made the stupid decision to separate them both and put it against one another. Now, the scientist are all busy with their science while the pious people are busy with their religion, each ignoring the existence of the other and waiting for the final confrontation between science and religion.
Tell me, when that time comes, would we be ready?

Stubborn fools

People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools
~Alice Walker

Every 5 minutes I kept glancing at my watch, "Oh, I'm running late and I haven't done my prayers yet. Oh, minta2 x kena panah petir!"

So I hurried a bit in doing the sample processing. Then when I arrived at one of the steps in the process that allow me to have 45 minutes on the timer, I went to the ladies' surau for Asar prayer. This is part and parcel of a postgraduate life: every moment dictated by the timer.
However, arriving at the surau I saw a cleaner girl wearing the telekung and rummaging through the few religious book they keep on the rack. Ah, at least I'm not alone. I smiled and she smiled politely back. She seem quite young, I wouldn't put her past early 20s. She has a yellowish complexion and although her face has red little acne marks, it doesn't mar her beauty. I still think her as pleasant to look at. She also looked new on the job as she didn't seem quite at ease in the surau. However, I didn't say anything to her as I hurried to perform my prayers as I was afraid I would be late and be struck by lightning.

After I finished and was just sitting on the prayer mat I noticed something disturbing: she is sitting on her prayer rug but facing a completely different kiblat from me! It was about 45 degrees off from the actual direction. The difference was so stark that it's as if our two prayer mats were forming an inverted 'V' shape.

I was puzzled and confused: didn't she see the direction I'm facing while solat? Ok, so maybe she doesn't believe me, ye la, muka xleh percaye je ni. But then, UiTM has put the kiblat direction on the ceiling, even the tiles are arranged in such a way to reflect the kiblat. All plain as day. Why does she choose to ignore all these and just go on with the thick headed idea of just praying facing anywhere she feels like it?

I was at a war with myself, what do I do? She is already grown up and should have known better. Oh, I really don't like if I have to be the one stating the obvious.

Then I said, "Kak, kenapa tak ikut arah kiblat tu?" while my hand is pointing toward the kiblat sign and one eyebrow upward. She just looked at me dumbly with big innocent eyes and said softly, "Oh, bukan arah ni ke?" and then mumbling something unintelligible. Then she moved her rug toward the right direction and never glanced at me again. I half expected her to solat again but she didn't. I was doubly confused...doesnt' she have to repeat? She is not doing anything, just sitting there on the rug staring out to space, most likely daydreaming. I was confused and I didn't know what to do, so I just shrugged my shoulders and left..all the while thinking: I would never want to be like those kind of people that turn their backs at the truth even when the truth stare at them in the face. It was so obvious! What do these people want? Does the sign have to be adorned with bright blinking neon lights to make her see and heed?

Actually, this is not the first time you know, the other day I also spotted a group of girls doing the same thing. That was more frustating as they are facing a different kiblat among all the other students there, and there were many! And the other students said nothing: maybe they didn't notice or couldn't care less. I also told these girls the right kiblat, but then they just said, "oh, ye ke" and then do nothing. Are they blind? Or do they need proof? Maybe they don't believe the kiblat sign on the ceiling, in their heads: what is your proof saying that direction is right and ours is wrong? --- I really don't know what to say. It is beyond me.

For me, this is concrete proof that truth is not ours: it is ultimately Allah's because it is He who determine who gets the revelation or not. If they refuse to see the truth, for whatever reason, we can't do anything but pray that someday they'll get back on track.

Sometimes, all the signs are there that it is bordering on stupid to ignore them and just go on with our distorted idea of perfect living. The question of why we don't want to follow the true path is valid and we should all ask ourselves that.

Why resist when the signs are so clear?

Maybe no one knows the answer to this. You have the knowledge, the ability and the freedom but if you choose to go down the dark road...no one can save you except Allah. Period.

Back 2 Good

Back 2 Good - Matchbox 20


Lyrics | Matchbox 20 lyrics - Back 2 Good lyrics

When this song is played, I picture myself in a dimly lit coffee house with a live band on stage.
There are little round wooden tables with plain white sheets that look almost orange under the lighting. There are not many people there, just some minding their own business and having quiet unnecessary conversations.
I'd sit alone at a corner table, drinking up the atmosphere and drown myself in the music. At the side of my table, there is a couple of old lovers. The woman was dressed in a green sequined dress and wore heavy makeup, as if trying to erase the years under thick layers of chalk. The man was unassuming, just looking at the band onstage as if not really hearing anything and seeing right through the walls. Maybe the couple is just doing a routine night out, just as they did for the past 30 years. Thinking back about the events that move them to this moment, they are lost in the thousands of possibilities that they could experience. There are no new memories, just a great desire to reminisce and re-live the old times.
Silent.
All the what-ifs and whys are taking a toll on the way people see the world. All the questions that constantly assail our confidence in others would eventually erode it bit by bit until the hard truths stare out at you.
However, sometimes the questions arise from our own insecurity and the need to belong and accepted. Looking through this perspective, sometimes we see and feel things that are really not there at all. We can never know what the other is feeling and thinking: so to contemplate on these things would only bring ruin.
People sometimes don't understand why people don't or won't understand them. For me, what is there to understand? Can't we live with our differences and search for a way to go round them? People are always worked up about being the victim, about always being the one so wronged. Dramatize life, so that we can rationalize our failures and shortcomings.
Some things are better left unsaid. Some things are best left unsaid. Let it go.
If we don't, we will never get it back to good. No one is backing down, so everyone is going nowhere. In the end we are just left with memories of possibilities, lonely in our decision to always be right regardless of the consequences.
Well, it is really important, you know... to be right.

Pixeled view

Change is necessary for several reasons, and you completely understand that. After all, change is second nature to you -- the more sudden the better. Still, even you occasionally have a problem adapting to something startling that's handed down from on high -- especially if it happens without your input. Fortunately, everything that's going on now was more or less personally orchestrated by you. Count your blessings and resolve to be patient if it's not always this way.

Hey, look at my horoscope today.
I like to read horoscopes, not because I totally believe what it says and follow it to the tee but I like the sayings. For me, it's like a personal quote just for me.
For this one, it is good advice to count your blessings and be patient when things are changing toward the direction that you rather it not be. I really believe that everything will happen as it should be.
No injustice if you look at the big picture. Don't zoom in to a pixel and say that the whole picture is just a black dot. That way, you can't see the beautiful image life is trying to show you. The life we lead now have no map, so we don't know where we'll end up in the future. You can't even tell me for sure what will transpire 2 minutes ahead of time, so don't pass judgment on things that haven't fully unraveled yet.
Sometimes things are not what they seem; you just got to have faith ;)